All I wanna say is “It’ll all be all right”. Was I enough? Well I cared too little to know. Offered love the only way I know how – got rejected. Ugh, the pain, like something I’ve never felt before, and I’m no expert when it comes to any kind of pain, I haven’t lived my life to a stretch. My heart dictates my life, then when something fails, my brain will be there to overthink and it doesn’t stop.
My shrink told me to live. Like put myself out there and commit. Be positive. Think about the best that life may have to offer. Let’s see; I like tea, that’s a good start. I actually have one beside me. Driving’s very therapeutic, but the traffic is a daily phenomenon in my city, so that’s tough. Clubbing alone may sound deadly, you’ll never know what I’m about to face, but also, the best adventures are in the wildest moments – and that’s a risk I’m willing to take tonight.
If I only knew I would end up crying while brushing my teeth, or sulking on my bed staring at the four corners of my room at 25; I would’ve driven myself to my shrink sooner (like 3 years sooner). But I know everything that’s happening in our lives has a purpose, and me being left out into thin air by the only person I could trust and see my future with crushed me. It’s paralyzing and confusing both at the same time.
Impulsive, naive and very sensitive; That’s how I saw myself in my early 20’s. Was that the person I aspired to be when I was younger? Heck no, but it didn’t dawned on me until recently, that that wasn’t normal for me – or so I thought. I romanticized the idea of consulting a psychiatrist last year, ’cause sadness was more of the norm than it was happiness and being positive. Without anyone knowing – no friends, family and acquaintances; I drove myself to one of the best psychiatrists in my town, one I’ve been searching for a week. She works whole day, and getting a slot was not at ease. She had me go to her office at 11 p.m. (Who works ’til midnight?), only to be seen at 1 a.m. of the following day. She was pleasant, like Charlie’s shrink in the ‘Perks’ movie (you know what I mean), It was everything I expected it to be, maybe except for the part when I cried before my very first sentence. At the end of session, the diagnosis was clinical depression. Whew, I was relieved. Why? Partly because she told me it was treatable, but mostly because I know I will get through this.
I’ve been living my life offline for several weeks and now I don’t feel obliged to post just to get this blog rolling.
So 2012 is couple of hours away and it definitely is a year of self analysis and maturity building experiences. The second half of the year was the highlight; new job, new friends, new trials and it was all worth it. The only thing frustrating up to this moment, is this person, whom until now has kept me hanging on a cliff – worst way to end the year, thinking about that person, contemplating on our relationship, mulling over what will happen to “us” in the coming year. But I’d rather not dwell on that, it deserves its own post.
Being hard on oneself has its own perks I’ve come to realize actually. I’ve created higher standards for myself without compensating on humility and filling up ones ego. I’ve learned not to take myself so seriously that I actually committed mistakes that regret didn’t follow suit; and not letting go too much with the awareness that hard work is still key to success. Expectations for the coming year is high, living more is the mindset that I want to carry on up to the next, ’cause when I do, that’s when heartache, work, and all sorts of problems vanish in a split second. I don’t have a bullet form of things I want to achieve, I just want to be surprised in the most positive way possible, because I know I deserve better, I’ve lived my year with optimism and no hate spread – just hoping for the better.
I don’t gamble; maybe that’s why, still, there are so many fleeting words trapped in this unstable head of mine. In lieu of blurting out my affection, I’ve kept it all inside and let it kill me gradually.